Shall I Falter or Shall I Finish?

Im that one girl that used to stay up late at night blogging about her plans to one day serve a mission. It's a little hard to believe I made the decision that I would one day be a missionary for the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints one year ago. Like everyone else, the excitement of the mission calls began rolling in. One by one my dear friends said farewell, and I found myself where I am now. Currently enrolled in my second year of college, working part time as a receptionist at a salon I love, and wondering when the day will come that I will receive my call in the mail. I have thought about the people I will one day teach. The streets that I'll one day walk. The feelings I will have as I share this gospel I have come to cherish. I have also thought about giving up. Saying I've had enough and there is only so much I can give. If not now, then when?  But I keep walking, and each and every time I "try" to quit, I learn a little bit more as to why I keep going.  I have learned to have faith that everything works out. To endure the hard times, and most importantly, to believe that He will never leave my side.  That He will never give up on me.  That He believes in me. I would not be where I am standing today with out my Savior.  This last year has been mentally, physically, and emotionally one of the hardest years I have endured.  I have come to discover my desires to serve the Lord are so real.  I have realized that I am capable of teaching the things in which I know to be true. Then I find myself discouraged as the weeks turn into months as I continue on in preparing for my mission.  Asking why is it happening like this?  Why are they putting this off?  Do you not see how much I want this?  Do you not recognize how hard I am working?  I just don't understand.  As always my heart is softened once again.  I find myself pondering the scriptures once more.  Reading conference talks, and watching broadcasts.  Praying to my Father in Heaven that he might forgive me for losing hope for even a moment.  I find myself here.  With an even more grateful heart that I am where I am at this very moment.  Patiently awaiting the day that I will begin my papers.  The day I will find out where I am going.  The day I am set apart as a missionary.  The day my adventure begins.  Until then I will continue to do the things asked of me. Not to check them off my list, but to learn from it.  I will continue to read and pray.  Attend church, mission prep, institute, and the temple each and every week.  To never give up on my dreams of one day serving a mission.  

To not falter, but to finish. 

Reassurance

If you know me well, I am someone who needs reassurance. 

Faith is funny sometimes. You can be so certain of something and over time start to question. 

I want to scream at myself for feeling this way, but I cant help it. This feeling crawls under my skin. 

Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I could swear that there's someone somewhere
Watching me

Then I think I wouldn't be standing here today if it weren't for the choices I made yesterday.  That sounds so cliche, but it's true.  I learned more about myself in the times I hurt then the times I was healed. As much as I want to fight it I know in my heart, might, mind, and soul that there is somewhere out in this world that is waiting for me. It will all make sense to me one day. What a beautiful day that will be...

Bump In The Road

Faith:

Noun Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

One of the most amazing things about Heavenly Father is that he knows exactly what we need, when we need it. I was fortunate enough to attend a friend from high schools farewell today. His talk was on faith and he used a rather funny but true analogy of faith. He compared faith to his friends muscles. In order for him to maintain his muscles he has to continue to build them. Faith is the same way. 

The last few weeks have been rather discouraging for me. I've had so many people ask me about my mission plans. Right now, I don't have an answer. Im not sure when everything will happen.

I'm one of those that wants to know everything. I want to know when I can start my papers, where I'm going to be called. I want to know it all. Right now. Why wouldn't I? 

The problem with that is I don't know anything at this point. I have no idea, and it's one of those things I can't really figure out on my own. I just need to wait and see. 

Throughout this entire process I've hit many bumps in the road. Heard good news, and bad news. Lost confidence in my ability, questioned just about everything in the book you could possibly think of. In the middle of all that it was hard for me to have faith that it would all work out. 

In January, I spoke with my bishop from my singles ward in Logan. I didn't get the news I wanted to hear. If I could try to describe the feeling I felt I couldn't. I've hurt before, but that feeling was different. It stung. That bishop told me: "I don't mean to break your heart, but it is what it is." I never told him how bad my heart hurt. He just saw it in my eyes as I sat there speechless with the tears running down my cheeks. I got back to my room and could hardly breathe as I kneeled down by my bed.

 Within 20 minutes I got a phone call from the most unexpected person. I answered with a shaky voice, and he simply replied with what's wrong. In that moment I knew that he was the one person I needed to talk to. He was a week shy of leaving for his mission, and he himself had come along way to get there. He gave me the best advice that I will never forget. He said if this is something that you were born to do, and you know in your heart is right, then Heavenly Father will make it possible for you. He went on to share with me his experiences and what he had to overcome to get where he was.

I am so grateful for that night. It's moments like those that have given me faith. 

But it was today I realized that we don't need those amazing experiences every time we hit a bump in the road. We just have to have faith that things will all work out exactly as they should. When they should. 

Serendipity

If someone would have told me two years ago where my life would be today I would have never believed it. My parents would say the same.  I guess you could say my life was taking a slight downward spiral. I had a good head on my shoulders, but the things that truly bring the most happiness to us in this life I didn't have. I didn't have a good relationship with my family. I couldn't talk to my parents, and I thought my brother was the most annoying thing on the planet.  I wasn't going to church, and my testimony was fading. All I knew and all I've ever known for certain is that I would be married in the Salt Lake City Temple, and that was enough to give me hope that I would figure it out someday. About two years ago my brother left to serve as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I remember getting in the shower that morning with a pain in my heart I've never felt. I was sad, but I was more scared.  Scared that the next time I would see my brother my life would be somewhere I didn't want to be. It was through his example I knew that I needed to change. Needless to say that I did make mistakes after that. A lot. But something in my heart was different. I think there's a time in everyone's life where you realize where you want to go, and what you want to give to this world. It wasn't until I moved out that I realized what I wanted. I made up my mind the kind of person I wanted to be. I realized how important my parents were to me.  I figured out I wasn't doomed, but I was gonna make a difference some way or another. I know on October 6th, 2012 President Thomas S. Monson's announcement of the missionary age change effected a lot of people. For me, well I didn't think anything of it. I never thought of serving a mission. Ever. My dad served his mission in the Chile, Vina Del Mar mission, my mom served in the Germany, Frankfurt mission and my older brother is currently serving the the Guatemala, Quetzaltenango mission. But being a few months shy of 19, it was no big deal.  It wasn't until I had a couple roommates talking about preparing to serve their missions that I began to think about it for myself. I don't know what day it was, all I know is I went into my roommates room and told her that that was the first day I could ever see myself actually serving a mission. I was still skeptical and worried that maybe I was only thinking about it because so many people were talking about it and getting their calls. That maybe my desires weren't for the right reasons. I prayed about it, and found that it was the perfect time for me to get my patriarchal blessing. Once I had the appointment made to get it, it was about a month away. I had no way of knowing what my blessing would say, but I was hopeful that it would give me comfort that my desires to serve were for the right reasons. I continued to pray about whether serving a mission would be right for me, and felt confident that no matter what my blessing said, that serving a mission was something I was going to do.  I went and met with my bishop a week before I received my blessing and told him that I wanted to go on a mission. That's where it all began. That was at the end of December and since that day I have never felt more certain about anything in my life. My blessing was the biggest answer to my prayers. I know that this year has exciting things in store for me. Im so grateful for my parents and all the support and love I feel from them as I begin this next step in my life, but most of all I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for giving me this opportunity and teaching me to never give up on myself. Serendipity is the only way to describe the happiness I feel. 

Serendipity

(noun)

finding something

good without looking

for it.